No, Batsheba

Much thanks to Natsu, the cast, Rorschach Theatre, and everyone who made No, Batsheba the feel-good holiday slugfest of 2o10! If you're one of the poor souls who missed the performance, you can read the full text here.

Some context: this was written for Klecksography, a showcase of six short plays based on friends' upsetting, grin-inducing, and/or dramatic stories of being home for the holidays. Mine was based on Grace Overbeke's story about her mother, who told her that Santa was real, but anti-Semitic.

Happy Holidays!

No, Batsheba

A living room. Walter is tied to a chair. Santa Claus stands with an ominous-looking remote in her hand. She wears a familiar red-and-white fur suit, but also has an eye patch and smokes a cigarette in a long holder.

SANTA
The day is mine, circumsized cur!

WALTER
This ain’t over, Santa.

SANTA
On the contrary, Walter O’Malley-Hirschburger.

With a push of this button, my Jingle Bots will storm households nationwide and slay every firstborn child of Abraham. Poetic justice, no?

WALTER
Kringle, if they hurt my daughter there isn’t a chimney on earth that’ll hide you from me.

SANTA
There’s no stopping it now, Walter. You’ve led me a very merry chase over the years. But now, like accursed Moses, your wandering is at an end.

God rest ye, merry gentlemen.

She reaches for the button.

WALTER

Wait!

People have been trying to keep us Jews in bondage since the pharaohs, Kringle. Know how you’re different?

Santa leans in to listen.

The pharaohs tied better knots.

Walter headbutts Santa, who drops the remote. Then Walter shrugs the ropes off and springs out of the chair. He grabs a poker from the fireplace. Santa draws a cutlass.

SANTA
Why, Walter, we haven’t had a good Yuletide swordfight since…

WALTER
Christmas two thousand five.

SANTA
Far too long.

They have a dramatic swordfight.

SANTA
You weren’t even born Jewish, you baffling man!

WALTER
I’ve thrown in my lot with God’s chosen people just as Kal-El of Krypton fights for his adopted world!

Walter disarms Santa, then dives for the remote. He’s about to grab it when Santa recovers and pins the cuff of his pants to the floor with the cutlass.

SANTA
Jingle all the way, Walter. All the way to hell! Ho! Ho! Ho!

She raises her cutlass for the killing blow.

BATSHEBA
Wait!

SANTA and WALTER
What?

Santa disappears. Lights up on Simone and Batsheba, who have been sitting on the couch this whole time, watching.

BATSHEBA
You said your last sword fight with Santa was Christmas two thousand six, when she tried to blow up Jerusalem from her moon rocket!

SIMONE
Her moon rocket?

Walter sits with Simone and Batsheba.

WALTER
You sure you’re not thinking of Christmas oh five, Pumpkin?

BATSHEBA
No! That’s when Santa and her elf ninjas tried to poison the water supply with killer shellfish! And Santa got the drop on you, but she promised to let you live if you could tame Lundgren, the Deadliest Reindeer.

WALTER
Riiiiight! And I not only tamed him- I used his fire breath and blew up Santa’s zeppelin!

BATSHEBA (Overlapping)
You used his fire breath and blew up Santa’s zeppelin!

They laugh. Simone stares. Walter stops laughing.

WALTER
Weeeellll. You’ve heard all these before, Sport. Let’s get you to bed.

BATSHEBA
Noooo!

WALTER

Batsheba.

BATSHEBA
Tell me the one where you teamed up with the Krampus to destroy Santa’s gingerbread cannon!

WALTER
Batsheba. Sweetie. It’s Christmas Eve. Santa will be here soon, and you know what that means.

BATSHEBA (By rote)

I need to be asleep, because she can hypnotize children.

WALTER
That’s right.

BATSHEBA
Want me to help you barricade the fireplace?

WALTER
No, Simone’s helping me this year.

BATSHEBA (Whispering)
You just started dating. Are we sure we can trust her in a fight?

WALTER
Yes! Now, put on your Christmas helmet and say goodnight to Simone.

He and Batsheba put on matching infantry helmets, which are covered with bows and holly.

BATSHEBA
Goodnight, Simone.

SIMONE
Goodnight, Batsheba.

BATSHEBA
Goodnight, Daddy. Watch out for her eyepatch laser.

WALTER
I will, Angel.

BATSHEBA
I’m gonna double check the razor wire on the attic window.

WALTER
Goodnight, Dolphin.

Exit Batsheba.

SIMONE
What the fuck, Walter.

WALTER
We celebrate Christmas a little differently-

SIMONE
This is ritualized child abuse!

WALTER
It’s no weirder than what most families tell their kids.

SIMONE

Most families don’t tell their kid Santa’s a Jew-hating Batman villain who bears a suspicious resemblance to that awful mother-in-law you’re always talking about.

WALTER
Someone’s never coped with the pressures of single parenthood.

SIMONE
I don’t even know where to begin with this one.

Why not Hannukah?

WALTER
Hannukah moves around, and it’s boring! This way she gets to share the joy of Christmas with all the Gentile kids, while honoring her heritage.

SIMONE
How, exactly?

WALTER
Perseverance in the face of persecution is a Jewish tradition from the Maccabees to Siegel and Schuster!

SIMONE
I need to go.

WALTER
Wait! Wait. Simone. I’ve never brought someone home for Christmas before. I thought I could share this with you. You love Santa!

All those great Christmas stories your granddad told you…

SIMONE
Yeah! Where Santa takes kids flying to the North Pole and gives them magic cocoa that makes them better at algebra! They were really nice stories!

And then we’d curl up on the couch and watch claymation Santa singing to Rudolph. And then my granddad would climb up on the roof after I went to bed and stomp around making reindeer noises, except one Christmas he slipped and I thought Santa was up on our roof cursing…

God, I miss him.

WALTER
See?

SIMONE
Know what I loved about those stories?

WALTER
What?

SIMONE

SANTA WASN’T A FUCKING NAZI!

WALTER
Okay, my version of the character’s a little continuity-heavy…

SIMONE
Your version’s evil!

WALTER
They’re just stories!

SIMONE
She is putting up razor wire in the attic right now!

WALTER
It’s fine. She uses special gloves.

SIMONE

She’s ten!

I just don’t…you weren’t even born Jewish.

WALTER
Her mother was.

SIMONE
What’s this really about, Walter?

WALTER

You know what I’m like in real life. I tell mildly funny stories at parties. I fall behind on car payments. I work twelve hour days lettering comic books.

SIMONE
And you’re so good at it! My God, the way you do the letter “R”…

She fans herself.

WALTER

It’s not that impressive. But every Christmas, I defend our house from a jolly maniac who wants to destroy our way of life. I get to fight for her. It’s the only time of year I feel like a Dad.

SIMONE
She wants to electrify the roof gutters. Someone’s going to get hurt. You have to tell her the truth.

WALTER
No way.

SIMONE
Okay. Then I will.

He blocks her way.

SIMONE

Move.

WALTER
Knock it off!

SIMONE
Come on, Walter.

WALTER
It’s not a big deal! Jesus. At least my version of Santa’s original.

SIMONE

Are you calling my Grandad unoriginal?

You gonna take that back?

She pokes him.

WALTER
What are you-

She jabs at him.

SIMONE
Take it back or I’ll go up there and tell her. Walter.

WALTER
I’m not gonna-

She knocks the wind out of him.

WALTER
Ow! What is that?

SIMONE
Tae kwon do. Want to fight for her? Fight for her!

WALTER
You’re crazy!

SIMONE
SAYS THE MAN IN THE CHRISTMAS HELMET!

He swings at her. She twists his arm behind his back. He steps on her foot. They overturn furniture, fling coasters, smash lamps and decorative sprays of pine and Christmas ornaments on each other. Simone knocks Walter down and sits on his chest.

SIMONE

How long have you been warping her mind with these stories?

WALTER
How long do you think?

SIMONE
Oh. Oh, God.

WALTER

I told you how it was that first December. Suddenly I’m in this tomb of a house with a four-year-old I don’t know how to raise, and one night I get very drunk and trash the living room, and she wakes up and comes down and asks what happened, if I’ve been fighting a monster or something, and I realize it’s Christmas morning, and I tell her the story of Santa Claus and the White Christmas of Doom, and she smiles for the first time since the funeral, and we make pancakes.

SIMONE
You never told me.

WALTER
You don’t stop being a kid the first time you get hurt. You stop when you realize the only reason you get hurt is because that’s how the world is and there’s nothing special about you to keep you safe.

Enter Batsheba.

BATSHEBA
Daddy? (She sees the wreckage in the living room.) Was it Santa? Did you get her?

WALTER
Come on over here, kid. I’ve got to tell you something.

He looks at her. He can’t do it.

Santa… had a jetpack. She got away. But next year, we’ll be ready.

BATSHEBA
Whooooaaaa.

WALTER
I’m gonna grab a broom. Sit tight and I’ll tell you all about it.

Walter looks at Simone, who nods slightly, throws up her hands in a gesture of surrender. Walter exits.

BATSHEBA
Do you love my Dad?

SIMONE
…yeah, actually.

BATSHEBA
If he broke his leg and an alligator was coming to eat him and he couldn’t get away and you only had one signal flare to frighten off the alligator, would you stay and help him?

SIMONE
I guess?

BATSHEBA
What about two alligators? How serious are you?

SIMONE
I wouldn’t let him break his leg around alligators.

BATSHEBA
Are you guys fighting?

SIMONE
A little bit.

BATSHEBA
A little bit? You wrecked the living room.

Simone looks at her.

SIMONE

Oooohhhhh.

How long have you known?

BATSHEBA
Please don’t tell him! He gets so excited every year.

Reenter Walter with a broom.

WALTER

Now. Sit back and I’ll tell you all about Santa and the Twelve Deathtraps of Christmas.

Santa bursts in with a bow and arrow. Simone springs up and stands with Walter. Batsheba watches, on the edge of her seat.

SANTA
Merry Christmas, Zionist stooge! I’ve got lords a-leaping in the front yard, pipers piping in the back yard, and the whole house surrounded with five golden rings of fire! Ho! Ho! Ho!

WALTER
Gee, Santa, I feel bad. All that and we didn’t get you anything.

SIMONE
Except…this!

She pulls out a green candy cane.

SANTA

A green candy cane!

WALTER
The one thing that robs you of your powers!

SIMONE
I hope you’re ready for a black and blue Christmas!

SANTA
JEEEEWWWS!

WALTER and SIMONE
SANTAAAAAAAAA!

BATSHEBA
YAAAAAAAAY!

Simone raises the candy cane. Walter raises the broom. Santa raises her bow and arrow. They charge.

The End