Horatio Week 44: Four Moments in the Life of the Conqueror

The New Adventures of Horatio
Week 44: Four Moments in the Life of the Conqueror

Four

The throne room at Elsinore. The bodies of the royal family lie scattered on the floor. Two rapiers, a shattered goblet, and the crown are also strewn about the room. The Gravedigger, wearing rubber gloves and a surgical mask, walks about photographing the dead. Horatio sits on one of the few chairs that hasn't been overturned, wearing a blanket and holding a cup of tea in his lap. He stares straight ahead. Enter Fortinbras. She is slightly younger than Horatio and wears fatigues.

FORTINBRAS
This worked out well.

From a geopolitical standpoint.

No?

Horatio sobs into his hands.

FORTINBRAS
You need something to do.

Horatio continues to sob.

FORTINBRAS

There is no circumstance that can't be overcome by the right tactics. "Indirect tactics, efficiently applied, are inexhaustible as Heaven and Earth, unending as the flow of rivers and streams." Sun Tzu, The Art of War. Great book. I'm going to give you a copy. Even though it's about warfare, you can apply its philosophy to the boardroom, relationships, politics, even warfare!

HORATIO
Who are you?

FORTINBRAS

Fortinbras. Princess of Norway, Queen of Denmark.

HORATIO
I heard you were a delicate and tender prince.

FORTINBRAS
How embarrassing for you.

Here's what we're gonna do. I want you to meet this guy we had embedded with us in Poland. Bill Shakespeare.

HORATIO
Shakespeare?

FORTINBRAS
Tell him what you told me.

HORATIO
Who takes a playwright to an invasion?

FORTINBRAS
Take ownership of your national tragedy. Tell the story. That's your tactic.

HORATIO
You can't be Queen!

FORTINBRAS
I'll take it up with the man in charge. Or his next in line. Or his third in- no, wait. All dead.

She picks up the crown, cleans it off.

HORATIO
You can't just wander in! It doesn't work that way!

FORTINBRAS

"Therefore one hundred victories in one hundred battles is not the most skillful. Seizing the enemy without fighting is the most skillful."

Talk to Bill. You'll feel better.

HORATIO
I need to throw up.

FORTINBRAS
Away from the throne, okay? I've wanted to sit there a long time.

Horatio looks at the blood and the bodies.

HORATIO
Why?

Three

The throne room in Norway. The King of Norway, an exasperated old man, sits on the throne, chewing out Fortinbras, who stands at attention.

NORWAY
What's this I hear about you sharking up a list of lawless resolutes?

FORTINBRAS
"Now in order to kill the enemy, our men must be roused to anger; that there may be advantage from defeating the enemy, they must have their rewards."

NORWAY
Don't quote that thing at me. You promised them parcels of land if they helped you take it back from Denmark? That's not the agreement!

FORTINBRAS

"To lift an autumn hair is no sign of great strength; to see the sun and moon is no sign of sharp sight; to hear the noise of thunder is no sign of a quick ear."

NORWAY
Now you're just- RRRRGH! You always do this! Just talk to me!

FORTINBRAS
I was saying, Uncle Sven, you're stating the obvious. I don't like the agreement.

NORWAY
You don't like the- who's king here?

FORTINBRAS
You are, Uncle Sven.

NORWAY
So, then, do YOU decide whether we honor the agreement? Or do I?

FORTINBRAS
You do, Uncle Sven.

NORWAY
I do? Fancy that! Then I suppose we had better DO what our king TELLS US to do, HADN'T WE?

We're not dealing with Poland here. Denmark can hurt us. Understand?

UNDERSTAND?

FORTINBRAS

Yes, Uncle Sven.

NORWAY
I miss him as much as you do. Talk to your uncle, Fortinbras.

FORTINBRAS

"There are not more than five cardinal tastes (sour, acrid, salt, sweet, bitter), yet combinations of them yield more flavors than can ever be tasted."

NORWAY
GOD DAMN! That GOD DAMN ASIATIC- hrrrr. Fine. You won't share a palace with me? You want to march to some blasted plain and carpet it with dead men?

FORTINBRAS
More than you'd understand.

NORWAY

We have a border dispute with Poland. Go resolve it. March at the head of the army if you like.

FORTINBRAS
My leige.

Two

Fortinbras, now a little girl, sits reading. Enter Norway, now middle-aged, but with a newly-acquired oldness in his movements that foreshadows the doddard he'll become. Fortinbras looks up expectantly.

NORWAY
Fortinbras. You should sit down for...oh. You're sitting down. Maybe I should sit down.

FORTINBRAS
Hi, Uncle Sven!

NORWAY
I have some- can you understand those?

He indicates the books.

FORTINBRAS

Daddy says I have to learn about civil society.

NORWAY
You're six. It's unnatural.

I have some news about your father.

FORTINBRAS
Daddy's back!

NORWAY
No. Your Dad, he. Ah. You remember he left a while ago to settle that dispute with Denmark.

FORTINBRAS
Uh-huh! He said if I'm good and do everything you say and eat all my dinner I can impose martial law for a day when he gets back!

NORWAY
Yes. Well. He got together with King Hamlet of Denmark- you remember King Hamlet? And they worked out a truce over the land, so the armies wouldn't have to fight. They settled on single combat and. Hhh. Hamlet cut his head off with an axe.

Fortinbras?

One

Fortinbras is slightly younger, with bruises and scrapes and a big smile. Her father, Fortinbras Sr., glowers down at her, holding a note.

FORTINBRAS
And I hit him in his eye, and he fell on the floor and hit his head, and I sat on him and I took a booger and said "I'll put this in your hair! I'll put this in your hair!" until he said he was sorry.

FATHER
You understand why this is a problem?

FORTINBRAS
He cried and snot came out all over his shirt!

FATHER
I don't want you fighting.

FORTINBRAS
But I'm good! They gave me a corner of the playroom and I have a box fort.

FATHER
It's not all box forts, Fortinbras.

FORTINBRAS
Yes, sir.

FATHER
I don't know if you're old enough to understand this. All the fighting I do, all the beachheads of red snow I've charged, I do that to make Norway stronger. For you. You'll be able to have public works and arts subsidies and local elections because you won't have to worry about your borders. You'll rule Norway better than I ever did.

FORTINBRAS
You're the best king ever, Daddy.

FATHER
I am a hard act to follow. So study. And don't smack around any more kids.

FORTINBRAS
Yes, sir.

FATHER
I'm going to be gone for a while.

FORTINBRAS
Denmark. I remembered! We found it on the map!

FATHER
That's right.

FORTINBRAS
Daddy? Is the land you're fighting for nice?

FATHER
God, yes. It's a chain of beautiful little islands. We'll take a vacation there when this is done.

FORTINBRAS
You say that about all the places you go to fight.

FATHER
We'll see them all, Forty. The Palace at Elsinore. The Meteorite Craters of Poland. The Ice Hotels of Sweden.

We'll see Europe. We'll see the world. You and me.

FORTINBRAS
I'll bet I love it.

FATHER
I'll bet you will.

The End