Horatio Week 43: Kill Everyone

The New Adventures of Horatio

Week 43: Kill Everyone

A plain in Denmark. Night. Marcellus surveys the terrain with binoculars. He sports a beard and an uncharacteristically dapper uniform. Enter a soldier, also with a beard.

MARCELLUS
Who's there?

SOLDIER
Me, sir. No movement to the south. Woods to the east are clear.

MARCELLUS
Good work, soldier. At this rate we'll make Poland and back in time for dinner. And Raoul's making spaghetti squash.

SOLDIER
Power to the Patriarch, Sir!

MARCELLUS
Power to the Patriarch...what was it?

SOLDIER
Olafson, sir!

MARCELLUS
I don't remember seeing your face.

SOLDIER
People tend not to, sir.

MARCELLUS
Maybe if I peek at the real one.

He yanks off the soldier's fake beard, revealing a young woman.

MARCELLUS
Hullo, bitch. I'm sure there's a riveting story behind this!

Now who are you?

SOLDIER
Oh, come on. You've seen me on wanted posters.

MARCELLUS
I know, I know, I can't quite put a name...

SOLDIER
I'm the top spy for the Resistance!

MARCELLUS
It's on the tip of my tongue.

A hooded figure emerges from the bushes behind Marcellus.

FIGURE
Rosencrantz.

Marcellus whirls and aims his gun at the figure, who whips out a crossbow and fires a bolt down the barrel. Rosencrantz grabs for the gun. The figure somersaults under Marcellus's swinging arms and plunges a crossbow bolt, daggerlike, through his foot, pinning him to the ground.

MARCELLUS
Daaaaagh!

FIGURE
Rosewood tipped with sodium pentathol. You'll live.

MARCELLUS
That voice...

FIGURE
Only the best for an old friend.

The figure pushes back her hood to reveal:

MARCELLUS
Ophelia!

ROSENCRANTZ
Now you recognize people.

OPHELIA
You okay, Rosie?

ROSENCRANTZ
'M fine. Infiltrated the scouts and led 'em through here, like we planned. The army should hit this pass in the next half hour.

OPHELIA
Everything's coming up daisies. (To Marcellus) Now. Where in the armored column is he going to be? Let the truth serum do the talking.

MARCELLUS
Randomized. Even I don't know.

OPHELIA
Plan B it is.

She drags a suitcase out from the bushes.

OPHELIA
Kill everyone.

ROSENCRANTZ
Fuck, lady, are you sure?

OPHELIA
You'd prefer the Nelson Mandela approach? How'd that work out for Horatio?

MARCELLUS
Murdering whores.

OPHELIA

I've been lugging a briefcase nuke around and eating roots all week, Marcellus. Not in the mood.

MARCELLUS
Prove us right! You betray us at the first chance. We have to watch you, herd you, tag you like the cows you are!

Ophelia twirls a crossbow bolt between her fingers. The silver tip shines hypnotically.

OPHELIA
Marcellus, Marcellus, Marcellus. Your wee piggy eyelids are growing heavy, Marcellus. You're going to sleep for ten minutes and when you wake up, you're going to forget all about us and report back to your emperor. Route Bravo is secure.

MARCELLUS

Route Bravo is secure.

OPHELIA
Sleep now.

Marcellus sits down and falls instantly asleep.

OPHELIA (To Rosencrantz.)
Set the bomb for an hour. It'll blow up in their midst.

ROSENCRANTZ
Someone's coming.

Enter Horatio, carrying a gas can.

OPHELIA
Hold it, chest hair. Come out where I can see you.

HORATIO
Ophelia?

OPHELIA
Motherfuck.

ROSENCRANTZ
Horatio!

HORATIO
Heeeyyyy...you!

ROSENCRANTZ
Rosencrantz!

HORATIO (Approaching Ophelia.)

Jesus, it's good to see you.

Ophelia puts her crossbow to his nose.

HORATIO
Nice crossbow.

OPHELIA
The real Horatio let a tank run over him at a Daughters of Denmark protest two years ago. You wanna tell me what this is?

HORATIO
I'm not from around here. I had a breakdown back at Elsinore. Materialized in front of a moving Bradley and they knocked the fuel cells right off my time machine.

OPHELIA
Time travel.

ROSENCRANTZ
Alternate universes.

BOTH
Like the Professor Rittenhouse Adventure.

OPHELIA
Okay.

HORATIO
When I dropped my past self off, his timeline seemed to be going well enough. What happened here?

OPHELIA
The king found out his wife was sleeping with his brother and his brother was trying to poison him. He had Claudius quartered and Gertrude locked up. Then he issued gender specific curfews and registration laws, required women to carry special ID at all times.

HORATIO
Everyone went along with this?

ROSENCRANTZ

There are camps for the ones who didn't.

HORATIO
You're kidding.

ROSENCRANTZ
Gertrude did what legions of screaming Norwegians and Poles never could. She made him feel vulnerable.

OPHELIA
When he found a threat he couldn't decapitate, things got bad. He declared himself Emperor and started registering women in other countries. Norway fell first, then Sweden.

Marcellus starts awake.

ROSENCRANTZ

The army's marching through here to Poland within the hour.

OPHELIA (Indicating the briefcase nuke)
So if they're the rapist, this is the mace.

HORATIO
Oh. Shit. I'm so sorry. This isn't what I wanted to do. I didn't want to see you like this.

OPHELIA
What do you mean.

HORATIO
I-

MARCELLUS
Dirty bitches!

OPHELIA
God dammit. We should've evac'd by now. Tie him up.

Rosencrantz does so.

MARCELLUS

There's a nunnery two kliks from here! You gonna nuke your own?

HORATIO
Marcellus? You're clean!

MARCELLUS
Four years this December, and all one day at a time.

HORATIO
No, I mean you're physically clean. You combed your hair.

MARCELLUS
Life's been good to me, man. What are you doing alive again?

ROSENCRANTZ
Alternate universe.

MARCELLUS
Oh! How'm I doing?

HORATIO
Kind of a mess, bro.

MARCELLUS
Out yet?

HORATIO
'Bout half.

MARCELLUS
Ah.

HORATIO
Listen! There's a way out of this without killing everyone. In my reality, the king was supposed to die. I traveled back and warned him. But I can go back further, intercept myself, and ensure the Patriarchy never happens.

ROSENCRANTZ
What happens to us in your reality?

HORATIO
Um.

OPHELIA
Dead?

HORATIO
Both of you, yeah.

ROSENCRANTZ
Anyone else?

HORATIO
Most of the court.

ROSENCRANTZ
So basically your plan also consists of killing everyone.

HORATIO
Neither of you expects to walk away from a nuclear blast.

ROSENCRANTZ
I was.

OPHELIA (To Horatio.)
Run. Take shelter. Maybe the nuns will let you hide in their basement. This world will need a Horatio.

ROSENCRANTZ
You kept him honest. He went over the edge after you died.

HORATIO
Hamlet? Where is he, anyway?

ROSENCRANTZ
Coming this way. He'll be nowhere at all, once this goes off.

OPHELIA
I'm sorry.

HORATIO
NO. You're not doing this again.

HAMLET
You got that right.

Enter Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. He wears shining military regalia and sports a full beard. He also carries a pistol, with which he covers them all.

HAMLET
(To Ophelia.) Hello, dear.

HORATIO
What is it with the beards?

MARCELLUS
Emblem of manliness.

HAMLET
"If it's without whiskers, better frisk her." (To Horatio.) What's this, some kind of dyke Horatio impersonator to pique my conscience?

MARCELLUS
Alternate universe, Commander.

HAMLET
Prove it.

HORATIO

Naval-gazing ass clown.

HAMLET
Syncophant.

HORATIO
Randian.

HAMLET
Leibniz-lover.

HORATIO
How appropriate, you fight like a cow!

HAMLET
Dude!

HORATIO
Dude!

HAMLET
Good to see you. You're all ripped now!

HORATIO
I know!

MARCELLUS
Make out!

Hearty laughter from the men.

HORATIO
Right? This is good. This is really good. Us, alive. We can keep this going. What if we all just, like, put down our guns and turned off the briefcase nuke and stopped invading Poland for maybe an hour or two and grabbed a drink-

HAMLET
Nope.

OPHELIA
Not gonna happen.

They point their weapons at one another's heads. Rosencrantz prepares to arm the nuke.

MARCELLUS
For the record, I would totally take a break for an iced tea right now.

HAMLET
Responsibilities, H-man. A time comes to move past the whiny teenage phase and marry a nice girl. But then, you know how it is. You have these little snits about who's paying more for gas and groceries, and the next thing you know you're leading your father's conquering army and she's shooting arrows at you from the woods with a bunch of Gertrude Stein anarchists.

Man. I missed sharing.

OPHELIA
You left out the part where you had me committed.

HAMLET
To help with your depression.

OPHELIA
You kept putting our friends in jail! Of course I was depressed!

OPHELIA
Where's your father? I've got a short, sharp present for him.

HAMLET
If he knew you were here, he'd napalm this whole plain.

OPHELIA
You're alone.

HAMLET
Am I? Want to tell them how I knew she'd be here, Agent Rosencrantz?

OPHELIA (To Rosencrantz.)
You utter bitch!

ROSENCRANTZ
They're going to build a statue. With my name in flashing neon! They'll have to remember it then!

She takes the briefcase and stands beside Hamlet.

HAMLET

I still care, Ophelia. You're going to get the best possible care in one of Dr. Petruchio's reeducation camps.

HORATIO
Whoa, whoa. No one's getting reeducated. Come on, Hamlet, this isn't you.

He walks up to Hamlet, his hands out.

HAMLET
Step back, buddy.

HORATIO
Hey. It's me. I know you better than anyone. You'd never shoot me in a million years.

Hamlet shoots him in the shoulder.

HORATIO
MOTHERFUCKER!

HAMLET
Walk it off, H-man.

Dad openly expresses approval of me now! Twice a day sometimes! He almost let an "I-love-you" out the other day.

HORATIO
Good for you.

HAMLET
So for that, I will shoot you in the shoulder.

HORATIO
I gathered.

OPHELIA

Hamlet. I did love you once.

HAMLET
Don't say that, baby.

OPHELIA

I loved something in you that your father has torn and crumpled and stained.

HAMLET

We'll work this out.

OPHELIA
You want to bring me in line?

She throws down her crossbow.

Come on.

Hamlet puts down his gun. They circle each other.

OPHELIA

It wasn't that you were funny, or the smartest guy in the room. It was that when something wasn't right, when some offense to God and country and human decency was being committed, you couldn't keep your mouth shut. You always said something smart alecky. Always.

HAMLET
I could afford to. I was a spoiled college kid.

OPHELIA
Look at what your father has done to this world. Say something.

HAMLET
You're crazy!

She headbutts him.

OPHELIA

Say something!

HAMLET
...

She roundhouse kicks him across the stage. He falls, stunned. Breathing hard, she crosses to Rosencrantz, takes the briefcase nuke without a word. Cuts Marcellus's bonds.

OPHELIA
Get him to the nunnery. They'll patch him up.

MARCELLUS
What about the-

OPHELIA
GO.

Exit Marcellus and Rosencrantz, carrying Hamlet.

OPHELIA
Can you walk?

HORATIO
Don't have to. This gas can is a cleverly disguised homing beacon. When I fill it with fuel, the time machine will zero in to pick me up.

OPHELIA
"Fuel" being-?

HORATIO
The plutonium from that briefcase should do the trick.

OPHELIA
No deal.

She activates the nuke. It makes an ominous countdown sound.

HORATIO
We can bring back the man you remember!

OPHELIA
He dies. We all do.

HORATIO
But he dies a heroic, talkative son of a bitch. Dies in mid-sentence, practically. You'd have loved him then. I sure did.

OPHELIA
Do we have time together, before the end?

HORATIO
Yeah. You do.

OPHELIA
You've gotten better at lying.

HORATIO

You've gotten a lot better at mass murder.

OPHELIA
Aren't we something.

She turns the bomb off, closes the briefcase, and kicks it over to Horatio.

HORATIO

It was good seeing you.

OPHELIA
If any version of me, in any reality, remembers any part of this... Pray.

She walks off. Horatio begins siphoning fuel from the briefcase nuke into the gas can.

HORATIO
Okay, Fortinbras. Okay. We settle this the hard way.

He twists the gas cap and the stage floods with light.

The End