Horatio Week 42: Save Everyone

Writing this week from Great Falls, Montana, where the air over the plains is cool and the State Fair is selling fried everything. May we all find a good place to relax out of the heat.

The New Adventures of Horatio
Week 42: Save Everyone

A churchyard. A Gravedigger plies her trade and sings.

GRAVEDIGGER
If I should fall from grace with God
Where no doctor can relieve me
If I'm buried 'neath the sod
But the angels won't receive me

Let me go, boys
Let me go, boys
Let me go down in the mud
Where the rivers all run dry

Enter Horatio. A few years younger, with none of the battle scars or adventure gear of the Horatio we've been following. The Gravedigger perks up and sees him.

GRAVEDIGGER
I thought I felt a chill. Must be a fox walking over my grave!

HORATIO
Hiya, Margot.

GRAVEDIGGER
What's your fine little schoolboy behind doing here, other than getting my boneyard all hot?

HORATIO
Things in the castle are a little fucked right now.

GRAVEDIGGER
Mmm-hmm. What's her name? Does she have my golden pipes?

Bury me at sea
Where no murdered ghost can haunt me
If I rock upon the waves
Then no corpse can lie upon me

It's coming up three, boys
Keeps coming up three, boys
Let them run down in the mud
Where the rivers all run dry

HORATIO
Thematically appropriate, as always.

GRAVEDIGGER
If she jilts you, there's always your Auntie Margot. I can't talk to you about Kierkegaarde, but I've got a damn nice body. Several, actually.

HORATIO
HA! Oh, you.

I'm just taking a walk.

GRAVEDIGGER
Ah-ah, this is the part of our conversations where you've usually run away. You're waiting for someone.

HORATIO
No one interesting. I don't even know where Prince Hamlet is.

GRAVEDIGGER
Prince Hamlet!

HORATIO
Dammit.

GRAVEDIGGER
He that is mad, and sent into England!

HORATIO
I am not good at this.

GRAVEDIGGER
He's due back already?

HORATIO
Pirates were involved.

GRAVEDIGGER
He killed the king's lord chamberlain, and you're smuggling him back.

HORATIO
He's not well. He needs me.

GRAVEDIGGER
What's your plan when he gets here?

HORATIO
We'll figure it out.

Don't tell anyone, huh?

GRAVEDIGGER
I'll be as silent as Mr. White here. (She holds up a skull.) Say hello, Mr. White. "Hello!"

HORATIO
I knew I could trust you, Margot.

GRAVEDIGGER
Cost you a hug.

HORATIO
....yeeaaahh.

He hugs her awkwardly. It goes on for a while.

HORATIO
Um.

GRAVEDIGGER
Savor the moment, my little one. We are not long for this earth.

HORATIO
Oh look it's Hamlet HEY HAMLET!

Enter the Horatio we know and love, henceforth referred to as Horatio-to-be. He carries a black bag.

HORATIO-TO-BE
Hey yourself.

HORATIO
Great shades of Schwarzenegger.

GRAVEDIGGER
Two Horatios? (Acquires a shifty look.) Boys, we have a rare opportunity here.

HORATIO-TO-BE
Not now, Margot. (To Horatio.) Is he here yet?

HORATIO
Not yet.

HORATIO-TO-BE
Good. Help me set this up.

He takes a sniper rifle from the bag and starts assembling it on the hillside.

HORATIO-TO-BE
I bet you're pretty confused right now.

HORATIO
Who gave me that scar? Where'd the sword come from?

HORATIO-TO-BE
Poker game.

HORATIO
It's the whole Hiro Nakamura thing.

HORATIO-TO-BE
Nice.

The rifle is mostly set up. He looks through the scope.

Funeral procession comes in by the south gate, if memory serves.

HORATIO
Where do I get a time machine?

HORATIO-TO-BE
Scientist friend owed me a favor. She'd been meaning to break the laws of physics for a while anyway.

HORATIO
And we're doing what exactly?

HORATIO-TO-BE
That little voice you've heard for months. "Maybe he should shoot Claudius in the head already and get it over with." Absolutely correct. But you held your tongue.

HORATIO
Not my place. Guy's in a tough spot. What happens here?

HORATIO-TO-BE
What's the worst possible thing you can imagine?

A few years down the road, Scandinavia kicks off a world war because of what happens today. We're fixing that.

HORATIO
By shooting the King of Denmark in the head.

HORATIO-TO-BE

Beats ear poison.

HORATIO
Two people have already died. You can't tell me this is the only way.

HORATIO-TO-BE

I used to be a nice guy. Good listener.

HORATIO
Thanks?

HORATIO-TO-BE

That's not what he needs today. He needs someone he trusts to tell him what you both know deep down. If he doesn't end this right now it'll destroy everyone.

HORATIO
And if he does? What happens to you? Us?

HORATIO-TO-BE
I'm going to tell you what I wish someone had told me. You'll drink with gods and find America. You'll become the otaku messiah. You'll travel to the edge of reality and know the universe for what it is. And you'd trade it all to hear your best friend draw breath again.

I inspired trust when I was your age. Can I still?

HORATIO
I've never killed anyone.

HORATIO-TO-BE

Duh.

HORATIO

Hamlet gets the shot?

HORATIO-TO-BE

Figure it's what he'd want.

HORATIO

You watch for the procession, I'll flag down our guy.

The Gravedigger, who has taken all this in stride, brings her shovel down on the barrel of the rifle, bending it.

HORATIO-TO-BE
Aah! The fuck!

GRAVEDIGGER
I expected better. Growing up to play dice with the cosmos. You don't have the foggiest idea what'll happen when you pull that trigger.

HORATIO-TO-BE
Margot! It could not possibly be worse!

GRAVEDIGGER
It can always get worse.

HORATIO-TO-BE
Everyone dies!

GRAVEDIGGER
I could've told you that. You going to fix that too? Found a cure for death I don't know about?

HORATIO-TO-BE
Watch them die and THEN say that to me.

HORATIO
She's got a point. Doesn't feel right doing it like this.

HORATIO-TO-BE
Make your own decisions, you prick!

HORATIO

Hey. Ah-nold. I'm saying we can do this right. Go back further. Stop this earlier.

We can save Ophelia, Polonius, Hamlet Sr.

HORATIO-TO-BE
Save everyone.

HORATIO
Save everyone.

GRAVEDIGGER
You'll break the universe!

HORATIO-TO-BE

You really want to do this? This isn't some cosmic power trip of mine?

HORATIO
It's the nice thing to do.

HORATIO-TO-BE
I'm parked by the south wall. Come with me if you want everyone to live.

HORATIO
Nice.

HORATIO-TO-BE

Good catching up, Margot.

They run off.

GRAVEDIGGER
Every story ends the same way, boys! You'll see!

God, I could watch those crazy legs pump forever.

To Be Continued