Horatio Week 39: Land of the Grandfather

The New Adventures of Horatio
Week 39: Land of the Grandfather

Horatio crouches opposite a colorful tropical bird. He wears tribal face paint. They stare at each other.

BIRD
Really sets off your eyes.

HORATIO
Thank you.

BIRD
The orange ochers. Definitely your color.

HORATIO
I've always thought so.

BIRD
And the symmetry's all there. Some holy men, when you die they get all abstract expressionist on your face. Yours had some restraint.

HORATIO
Then I'm in?

BIRD
Did I say that?

What tribe are you?

HORATIO
Muskrat people.

BIRD
Never heard of them.

HORATIO
Life's not a popularity contest, that's our motto.

BIRD
I have to ask. Word's gotten out that the Land of the Grandfather puts all other hereafters to shame. It's like the Disney World of being dead. Next thing you know we've got dead Methodists in brownface jumping the turnstiles.

HORATIO
What happens when you catch them?

BIRD
I whistle a signal for my brothers and we Alfred Hitchcock their pasty bods.

HORATIO
I'm sure I don't know who Alfred Hitchcock is. I am but a simple Bolivian tribesman who wants fervently to enter the Land of the Grandfather.

BIRD
Just a quick medley of Bolivian folk songs and you can go to the next trial.

HORATIO
Folk songs! Yes! Where to start, I wonder. I know so many.

BIRD
Go ahead.

HORATIO
Say, have you flown too close to the sun recently? Your plumage is scorched.

BIRD
What? Is it bad?

HORATIO
Feathers above your left eye are all sooty and mangled. Kind of a goth look.

BIRD
Aaaagh! I'll be laughed out of the magical bird community!

HORATIO
You know, they buried me with some extra ocher just in case my paint needed work. There's some yellow that's about your shade. We could cover that up.

BIRD
Oh, I'd be your best friend forever!

HORATIO
Hrm. Help me get the lid off.

BIRD
No fingers.

HORATIO
Your beak. Puncture the lid and the seal will break.

BIRD
Oh, okay.

He plunges his beak through the lid. It sticks. He struggles with the jar.

HORATIO
Stuck? Can you speak? Whistle? No? Tell you what. You stay here, I'll go for help.

The bird makes muffled noises of protest and tries to block Horatio's path.

HORATIO
No, don't worry, I can find my own way.

Exit Bird.

HORATIO
Just a little further to the...

Enter a sinister Monkey.

HORATIO
...tickling monkey.

MONKEY
You and me, we're gonna have a barrel of laughs.

HORATIO
Not so much as a titter for you.

MONKEY
They all say that. Come meet the itchy finger gang.

HORATIO
Bring it, monkey!

MONKEY
Ah! Ah! OOH! OOH!

He leaps at Horatio and begins tickling him.

HORATIO
That all you got?

MONKEY
I've got you for a whole day, punk. And when you let out the first giggle, you're toast.

HORATIO
Do your worst.

The lights fade out, then back in. Time has passed.

MONKEY
The last guy went mad eleven hours in. Can you take it!

HORATIO
Nngaah. You tickle like a weak monkey granny.

MONKEY
AH! AH! OOH! AH!

The lights fade out, then back in. Horatio's shirt has been torn open and he is sweating profusely.

MONKEY
You're not even Bolivian! Where are you from really?

HORATIO
Rrrgh. Mnph. Denmark.

MONKEY
Hah! You're going to die choking on your own guffaws, punk. I can see the corners of your mouth tugging upwards. You'll never see the Land of the Grandfather!

HORATIO
You've got...ten hours left. Whenever you're ready...to start tickling...let me know.

MONKEY
I WILL TICKLE YOU SO HARD!

The lights fade out, then back in. Horatio is on the floor, weakly crawling away from the monkey, who is weakly crawling after him, tickling him with one hand.

MONKEY
Laugh, you son of a bitch! I've gotten laughs out of palm trees!

HORATIO
Half hour, monkey. Almost there.

MONKEY
What are you doing? How are you keeping it together?

HORATIO
I'm thinking of a poor stray kitten with pneumonia and pinkeye sitting out in the rain looking in at a happy family eating a big roast turkey by firelight and no one sees it and all the kitten can do is scratch slowly at the fogged-up dining room window with her little trembling kitty paws.

MONKEY
Oh. Oh, God...

He stops tickling Horatio and puts his head in his hands.

MONKEY
You monster. That is so. SAD.

HORATIO
We've still got a half hour, chuckles.

MONKEY
Get out of my sight.

There's still the talking tree. If you listen to a single word your blood boils.

Exit monkey.

HORATIO
Too bad I didn't bring earplugs. Oh, wait, I did.

Enter a talking Tree.

TREE
WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS FOLLOW.

Horatio learns what all this sound and fury signify! Marcellus discovers a good fellow can only be pushed so far!

HORATIO
LA LA LA NOT LISTENING.

He hurriedly inserts his ear plugs and grins at the tree.

TREE
Kelly Kelly returns to steal more than hearts! Horatio-that-is tangles with Horatio-that-was! Fortinbras's new superweapon revealed! The Hallstormer, Hell's Party Crasher!

The tree notices that Horatio can't hear her, and begins speaking in sign language.

HORATIO
Aah! Why did I learn ASL?

He covers his eyes and tries to walk blindly past the tree. The tree clotheslines him.

HORATIO
HOOOOOFFF!

He attempts to stand, still covering his eyes. The tree trips him.

HORATIO
OW!

TREE
Uneasy lies the head.

HORATIO
I'll crawl into paradise if I have to!

Exit Tree.

HORATIO
Hear me, you arboreal SOB?

Enter Horatio's Heart's Desire, clad in white robes. His groping hand finds her outstretched one. She helps him stand.

HEART'S DESIRE
You can open your eyes now.

HORATIO
WHAT?

She opens his eyes and takes the earplugs from his ears.

HORATIO
They told me about you. The final test! My heart's desire!

HEART'S DESIRE
Yes.

HORATIO
Don't take this the wrong way but you're sort of blank. My eye gets lost in the negative space. I thought I had more going on than that.

HEART'S DESIRE
I'm the frontier of the universe, Horatio.

HORATIO
Oh. What I want most...

HEART'S DESIRE
Is to cut me open with your sword and step through into the ultimate truth.

HORATIO
I have to turn you down. The Land of the Grandfather's just a little further.

HEART'S DESIRE
Yes, and you can live forever in bliss or go back to the world of men. But you'll go back ignorant.

HORATIO
I have responsibilities. A friend's counting on me and I need to register for the LSATS.

HEART'S DESIRE
You want a master's in philosophy when the end of all philosophy stands before you. Why go to school and ask "What does it all mean?" Come past the final barrier into the vanishing point of all creation. Enter Omega Point. Know everything.

HORATIO
Everything.

HEART'S DESIRE
Everything.

HORATIO
Hamlet, old friend. Don't think I've forgotten. If there's no God you owe me twenty bucks.

HEART'S DESIRE
Now. Do it now.

With a cry, Horatio raises his sword. The lights flicker off and then on, and we see that Horatio and his Heart's Desire have vanished, leaving only the white robes puddled on the floor.

HORATIO (Offstage voice)
Oh. My...

To Be Continued!